Chairman Met

Comrades of the Metropolitans!  Do not concern yourself with earthly pleasures alone!  Gaze upon the skies and admire their beauty!  Do not wonder, for space is certain!  Our Dear Leader’s name is written in the stars!  Doctor Scientist Cosmonaut Commander Jason Bay has returned from the peaceful outerspace with news of hope and advancement!  PAY NO HEED TO THE HOUSTON ASTRO SPACE PROGRAMME HOAX.  They do not wish for our advancement!  Our space launch illustrates our inexhaustible potential!  Are we not entitled to the stars which we can see from our happy windows?  Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met created the moon in his image so that the world can reflect upon him even at night time!  Do not judge us, Houston Astro Space Programme!  We are advancing to space for peaceful purposes!  It is a justifiable aim that fits the global trend of the times! There is no power in the world that can stop us from enhancing human beings’ happiness!  You will find us in the sun!

What a glorious time it is to be a supporter of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club!  We are fortunate that Chairman Met has allowed us to exist at this exact juncture in history for we are truly witnessing the Great Supreme Leader’s numerous delights!  This is not to take away from the acts of Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met in the past and we are in no way using terms like ‘getting better’, because Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met has always been the best and most virtuous!  To say that at some point he has been lesser than what he was would be sacrilegious and would be dealt with in the form of swift aggression!   ‘Improvement’ is not in Great Supreme Leader Chairman Mets’ lexicon for Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met does not need improvement!  When Junior Deputy Jason Pridie is brought forth in front of the faithful children of New York it is because we are recognizing his perfection in a different capacity!  Hooray, Jason Pridie!  Hooray!

Beware of the Atlanta Cowards!  Their bravado is pushed forth by rotten tongues!  Look and laugh upon their false idols!  How foolish it is to worship the wind, the sun, and the earth—these are not gods!  When the hemp-necklaced derelict Chipper Jones holds dirt in his hand, ask him ‘Larry, you worship the dirt?’ and he will say ‘Yes.  The dirt is my god.’ and you will respond ‘The dirt does not contain divinity—do you walk over your gods like they are peasants?  Do you wash your god out of your uniform?  Do you spit upon your god?’  At this point he will begin to cry the tears of a humbled man and you will say, ‘Larry, how did the dirt get here?  Has it always been here?  No.  Chairman Met created the dirt for us to slide upon so we may get to safety quicker for Chairman Met has known and loves us before we were born and recognizes our wants, for his wants are the same—he has instilled a spirit of self-reliance upon us.’  He will sob and he will understand that his god is Chairman Met and he will name his son after the ancestral seat of our Dear Leader.

Yesterday watery drops fell from the sky like the tears of our cowardly enemies!  How mindful of humility is our Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met for postponing our contest so that the black and purple mountain range could collect their thoughts of opposition!  ‘We have seen our errors in judgment and reject our isolationist lifestyle,’ stated former-Great Devil Troy Tulowitzki.  ‘We wish to embrace Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met with the pomp of three hundred parades and are moving our families to the great city of New York to solidify our dedication to a better metropolis!’

We welcome our new brothers with kind handshakes!  Oh Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met, how mindful you are of others!  Your kindness knows no bounds!  We have collected the water from the sky in metal buckets and will return it to you so that you may wash your giant palms after touching the hands of these Mountain Men!  Your patience is unlimited for we, kind glorious Chairman, wish to crush these men into smooth stones which we will lay at your feet—yet your love is enough to conquer our thoughts of violence!  You are the eyes and heart of all who adore you!

DISREGARD THE DISSENT OF THE LASSEIZ-FAIRE!

They have no sense of the blasphemy they are reproducing! They attempt to seduce the intelligent people of the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club by setting Chairmen Met apart from the “professionals”! They have inadvertently made a correct statement! Supreme Leader Chairman Met is no “professional”! He excels in all academic and collegiate subjects as his people excel in their given assignments of charcoal trucking or gymnastics or child rearing!

Pay no heed to the impiety of the MINI STORAGE. They have admitted themselves that they have small repositories of riches! Supreme Leader Chairmen Met has bunkers of fish and manufacturing implements! They claim to move freely! How miserable they are! The people of the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club are busily engaged in preparing sumptuous meals for difficult work is rewarded!

Behold the wonders of Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met!  Like all days under the delight of the moon there is great happiness on this day!  For the forces of the New York Metropolitans have pushed forward like a rising tide to flatten the snow-capped purple mountains of heathenish behavior into perfectly cheerful plateaus!  Our superior intelligence and vast preparation in all things orographical prepared us for such a challenge, though this is not to say that we relied solely upon science!  We have the backing of the Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met who grants us these great successes!  Through Him we are able to grasp the advanced concepts of geomorphology!  For Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met was born inside of a volcano in Bellerose Manor and had plenty of time to understand the concept of the parasitic cone!

The streets of our fair Meadows were again echoing the sound of victory and children laughing as the mighty fist of the New York Metropolitans came down upon the earth in the form of well-timed swings and heads-up base running!  Minister of Smiles and Self-Improvement David Wright delighted all who were present with twelve runs batted in, even giving a humble tip of his ballcap to the stars in the sky, exclaiming ‘Thank you Supreme Leader Chairman Met for the gifts you have given me!  I shall not want no other!’

We are fortunate for our blessings!  We are mobilized in our efforts!

Today, faithful celebrants of the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club, was a joyous day! For today marked our Opening Day! The sun shone bright upon the Point of Willets as the supporters of the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club touched their feet to the fertile ground of the Citi Field! These travelers arrived from such distant provinces as Ozone Park! And Bay Ridge! And even from the lands of Ronkonkoma! These voyagers, one and all, came wearing the clothing of the everlasting warriors. BLUE! The color of irrigation! ORANGE! The color of combine harvesters!

And filled with fury and rightness, Great Supreme Leader Chairmen Met led his vanquishing army against the most reviled enemy of all - the cowards who dare to call themselves NATIONALS! These ruinous capitalists seek to damage our unified and triumphant comradeship! They have not trimmed their hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle!

Our New York Metropolitans then punished these so-called Nationals! They were awestruck by Great Supreme Leader Chairmen Met and his ability to send the baseballs out of the Citi Field over and over again! The New York Metropolitan Baseball Club allowed these flat footed Nationals to reach the plate of home six times, for Great Supreme Leader Chairmen Met astounds all with his eternal freedom from vanity! The faces of our children cheered and cheered again at our prosperity, with a final score of thirty-five to six on our Opening Day!

The children then danced jubilantly and respectfully, and they sang the song of our Fatherland! C’e ‘na luna mezz’u mare mamma mia m’a maritare! Figlia mia a cu te dare mamma mia pensace tu!

DEATH TO THE IMPERIALIST HORSES OF PHILADELPHIA!  Severe judgment to the Philadelphian imperialists and murderers!  We will punish those who provoke us!  You are of sad heart!  You are green of greed and the blood on your tongue from eating our children has not washed off!  Remember, good people of the Republic of the New York Metropolitans:  the brutal crimes of these imperialists will not go unpunished!  We shall have our revenge!  These fat mouthed horses wish to destroy us!  They destroy and condemn our throwing weapon program and yet they parade their throwing weapons for the world to see!  They broke the mighty shoulder of Chief Bombardier Johan Santana in the middle of the night like cowardly insects!  The double standard of the city to the Southwest is what we have expected from those who attack us without warning! 

Fear not, good people of the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club!  The sun will set on the Pig City of Philadelphia and will once again rise on the shining faces of Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met!  Once, Philadelphia was a crippled and saddened horse and they will return to the blackened earth.  We will show no mercy!  They are our eternal enemy!  We will give them a thousand bruises!

Praise and worship upon the New York Metropolitans Baseball club spreading the good will of Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met to the uneducated and uninspired Floridian masses!  Examine their foolishness!  Their home is antiquated and crumbling!  Their soil is corrupt with capitalism and no vegetables can grow!  Look upon their trees—there are no fruits for the children to eat.  Our children have apples!  They are smiling and love our Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met!  Their supporters are weak and old and not strong of bone like our people! 

Look closely at our power, mere fish!  We are fleet of foot and whimsy.  Think and smile upon General Confident Reyes, faster than a cheetah!  Think of General Confident Reyes thanking Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met for his feet of wind and courage!  Through Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met all things are possible!  General Confident Reyes has stolen all of the bases from the slow fish!  The fish flops but we act!

We have cut through the beautiful waters of the Hudson and speared the great fish!  We will thank Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met for making the fish slow and us faster than a cyclone!  Come, look upon your table!  Is there not fish to eat?  Are there not apples?  We create the most delicious!

Greetings and most high celebrations to you kind road traveler!  Peace and goodwill to you and peace and goodwill to Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met and his great family!  Peace and goodwill to the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club!  Prosperity to all who carry Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met in their hearts and faces!  Our love for Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met and his Baseball Club is greater than the heat of one thousand suns!  Behold the greatness of the New York Metropolitans Baseball Club as it embarks against the evils of the National Republic and for eighteen nights against the evils of the American Republic!  We shall not be defeated for we are strong of will and we carry divinity!  The New York Metropolitans Baseball Club is made of people and crafted for the people!  You will be able to hold your head high and say that you are one with the club because the club loves you and you love the club!  All hail the great blue and orange army!  If we work together we will achieve greatness!  We shall call today ‘Opening Day’ as we open our hearts to Great Supreme Leader Chairman Met and he will hold us in an embrace of protection and bliss!  We shall want no other!